18. May 2012 by Bob.
Turning 59 this year was pivotal for me. I cannot explain why. I have always heard that it usually happens with the big round numbers like 30, 40, 50 or 60. For me, it seems like 59 struck me more than any other year. I have never been a fan of the term mid-life crisis. And 59 is certainly not bringing about any actions on my part that friends and family might call a mid-life crisis. I have always preferred the term life transition instead. I believe that people have used the term mid-life crisis because when someone hits that age that moves them into transition, the outcome of any change is uncertain, leaving those around to be concerned that any changes will dramatically affect the status quo they have become accustomed to for so long.
I drove along the Skyline Drive in Virginia on my way to deliver a Leader As Coach workshop and became attracted to the cement posts that were the mileposts along the way. I decided that when I came upon the #59 milepost I would stop and take a picture as a memento of my 59th year. I was revisiting a place I had not been to since I was a young boy of 7 or 8. As I passed each milepost I got more excited about taking that picture of #59. As I finally came up to this particular post I slowed to a stop, got out of the car and proceeded to take the signature picture I wanted. The most interesting thing about this particular post was that of all the posts I had past so far, this one was the only one that was beat up and worn. How ironic that the one I wanted a picture of looked the most in need of repair!
I then realized how significant this was to me. I snapped several pictures and continued along the drive. No other post was worn like the #59 post. It struck me that it was exactly the way it needed to be. This became a great representation of my life. I came to realize that at 59 years old I was now on the downhill side of the mountain. Also ironic was that the #59 milepost was also on the downhill side of the Skyline Drive. I am almost certain that I do not have another 59 years to go before I have lived out my life.
I have hiked many mountains in my lifetime and reminisced about how I always enjoyed reaching the peak, enjoying the view and then enjoying even more, the walk down the backside. It always has been more enjoyable for me to make the downhill walk versus the uphill climb. I hope that to be true of the downhill side of my life.
I am very passionate about what I do and treasure the fact that I have impacted many lives along the way. I fully expect to impact many more as time goes by. I hope to share the wisdom of climbing the mountain, seeing the summit and enjoying the gradual walk down. And may I continue to learn and grow for whatever number of miles I have left before the trail down the mountain runs out.
Are you passionate about what you are doing with the downhill side of your life? Are you impacting the lives of others? What would a significant life look like for you? What will you do to accomplish that significance before you are done? Maybe you will join me on the walk.
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18. April 2012 by Bob.
I travelled to Virginia this week to facilitate a workshop. I choose to drive along the Skyline Drive in the Blue Ridge Mountains as a more interesting route to the client site. As a child we used to family camp at a place called Big Meadows in Shenandoah National Park on the Skyline Drive. Last time I would have been there was over 50 years ago when I was 8 or 9 years old. I cannot imagine talking about a place I was revisiting fifty years later!
As I finished my short hike I came into the parking lot and found Mike and his daughter, Melissa along with his son, Logan. I walked past them and made the bold decision to go back. I found it compelling because Logan reminded me of myself 50 years ago. He looked keen to head out on this hike with his Dad and sister. I went back, introduced myself to Mike and told them the story of how we used to camp here as a family when I was about Logan’s age. This family camping and subsequent hiking shaped much of my life. I found out that Mike was taking his two children on their first hike. I took pictures of them, thanked Mike for listening to my story and allowing me to take pictures.
So, what about Monkey Rock? As kids we would go run along the AT and play for hours at a place we affectionately named Monkey Rock. I reminisced about how at ages of 6, 7 and 8, we would freely roam the wilderness finding places like Monkey Rock to claim as our own. One day we took our parents along the trail to see where we had spent our days and hours gleefully playing. I remember the shock on my mothers face when she discovered that Monkey Rock was an out-cropping on the side of the mountain. If any of us had tripped over the edge it would have been certain death. And none of that happened. For me, it was shaping the adventurer I would become.
I wonder how restrictive we are as parents today. Some might say, over-protective. Others, not protective enough. If we are going to help our children grow into the adventurers they are capable of being, we need to get comfortable with them venturing out – expanding their comfort zones, taking risks and learning from each adventure.
What about us as leaders? Are we over-protective of our people? Or maybe over-protective of ourselves? Maybe as parents or leaders, our over-protectiveness stagnates the growth of our children and employees. How are you showing up? Are you growing your people or stagnating their growth?
I am happy that I returned to talk to Mike and his children. He risked taking his daughter and son on an adventure that they had not experienced before. Would they see dad as a nerd or a jerk that took them away from their comfort zones? Seeing Mike and the kids reminded me that it was my parents that took me away from my comfort zones and created experiences that impacted not only my life in the moment but shaped much of what I was to become later in life. Enough that I wanted, fifty years later, to revisit Big Meadows campground, walk again on the AT, and see if I could find and recognize Monkey Rock. Who knows what experiences will be the ones that shape who we will become? I hope that the adventure that Mike chose to take Logan and Melissa on will positively impact who the two of these wonderful young people may someday become. And hopefully, they will remember the impact that their father has had on the human beings they became.
If you are a leader, the same applies. How are you impacting the people you lead? Will they tell positive stories of the impact you had on their lives or will you become an added statistic to the number one reason someone leaves their organization - because their boss sucks! You decide!
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24. March 2012 by Bob.
“My mother said to me, ‘If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.’ Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.”
Parents always seem to see the best of possibilities in us as children. I am sure almost all of us have heard our parents say you can be whatever you set your mind to be.
I now watch my two young granddaughters and wonder what each of them will grow up to be. I love seeing the wide-eyed curiosity that is a daily occurrence with our three and a half year old granddaughter and we are witnessing the newness of life with our six week old granddaughter. I heard yesterday all the joy in our family when the newest member of the family smiled at grandma for the first time. I see in each of them their different personalities emerging and what kinds of things seem to ignite the passion in them, even if for the six week old, cuddling and food seem to get her the most excited.
Reese, the three and a half year old, laughs constantly. I read an article that suggests that laughter is healthy for us and that a child laughs over 300 times per day and an adult less than 17. What is it that took the laughter out of us adults? I do find myself laughing more when around Reese. I saw a quote from Michael Pritchard that said, “You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.”
Reese also is at that stage where she asks WHY about a thousand times a day. She asks why out of pure curiosity and no fear that she doesn’t have the answer. She feels no shame in not knowing something. And I am learning that the older I get, the clearer I am about how little I know. Maybe I can get over the embarrassment of asking why! In our leadership coaching workshops we teach leaders to try and avoid why questions because it tends to set people on the defensive. Maybe I should bring my granddaughter with me to co-facilitate some of our workshops.
I hope for my granddaughters that they will become the Picasso’s they feel the passion to become. That they will laugh as much when they grow up as they do as children. That they play as hard as they do now and that they love as openly as they do as the wide-eyed children they are. And may I finish out my career helping many people realize the Picasso dreams they had as young children.
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18. March 2012 by Bob.
Reading the local paper this morning I saw a piece that talked about how “Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has apologized to Mick Jagger for derogatory comments he made about the lead singer in his 2010 memoir, Life, which caused a rift within the band. In comments reported by Rolling Stone magazine, the two rock ’n’ roll veterans agreed it was time to move on.”
The article continues to tell the story of how the rift between Keith and Mick goes all the way back to the 1980’s. Some may find it hard to believe that these two closely related people had held on to such a concern for almost 30 years! Or maybe it is not such a surprise.
Dangerous Conversations is one of the key component parts of the Leader As Coach workshop I facilitate. What we mean by a dangerous conversation is simply that the outcome of the conversation is uncertain. It is because of this uncertainty that many of us avoid having the conversation at all.
Back in the 80’s Mick Jagger took on managing the business of the Stones. He felt no one else was showing any interest in handling the business side. Mick thought he was stepping into handling the biz side of the Stones and didn’t know how Keith felt until he read it in Keith’s book in 2010!
Any of this sound familiar to you? How many conversations have any of us thought was important are left unspoken and left inside with the other having no idea? Many relationships have gone sideways with one or both parties saying, “I never knew.”
Significant relationships will be so much more when all parties involved can step into dangerous conversations on a timely basis. How are you doing with the conversations you need to have? The one that you may consider the most dangerous may be the most important to step into. What is the cost of remaining silent?
Without Mick and Keith finally braving the Dangerous Conversation, their up and coming 50th Anniversary Tour would likely not become a reality. What great possibilities may never become a reality if you stay on the sidelines and keep the Dangerous Conversations to yourself?
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1. February 2012 by Bob.
Still another recent survey, this one by Right Management, revealed, “three out of four organizations lost high-performing employees they did not want to lose during the past year.” Even in a slow job market? What is making them leave? The survey suggested that many factors come into play and like many we have seen, this survey continued with the theme that the number one reason someone leaves their organization is their boss.
The survey continues to state “if your managers aren’t able to communicate effectively and build connections with employees, they’re helping push those top performers out the door”.
All of this is not news. I often put it more bluntly in our leadership workshops. I suggest that the number one reason your best employees leave is that their boss sucks. This is blunt, direct and full of the truth. Seems to fit with my coaching style that has been described as “one of benevolent irreverence”. A truth that seems to get the attention of the leaders that show up in our workshops. This statement quiets the finger pointing upwards when leaders want to accuse their bosses of ineffective leadership. They then realize that they have people reporting to them that are pointing fingers directly at them.
Our concern is are we reaching all the leaders? The ones that attend leadership workshops and use coaches to develop their leadership talent are only a small fraction of those in position to affect performers in their workplace. We still see a significant amount of people in leadership roles that got there on the rail tracks of their technical competence. From there they continue to operate in their comfort zones of what got them there. The rub is their technical competence no longer provides them with the tools to effectively lead teams. The result is poor and ineffective leadership and employees choosing to leave to hopefully find greener leadership pastures to graze in.
The Right Management survey left readers with four key questions to ponder:
- What are you doing to avoid being part of the 75% of companies that have lost top talent in the past year?
- How are you taking care of your top people?
- Do your managers communicate effectively with each of their direct reports? Do they have the tools and skills to engage employees in a meaningful way?
- How are you equipping people to be better leaders and managers?
IF you cannot adequately answer these questions, get your leaders leadership training and/or coaches to work with them. Or get ready to continue watching your key employees march out the door.
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29. January 2012 by Bob.
Noel Burch developed a model way back in the ‘70’s called the “Four Stages of Learning”. Burch’s model suggests that individuals are initially unaware of how little they know and therefore unconscious of their own incompetence. This is the first stage of the model defined as Unconscious Incompetence. In example, my daughter sat in Unconscious Competence (you don’t know that you don’t know) for the first 16 years of her life, as she was a passenger in the family car. When she acquired her learners permit she slide behind the wheel of our standard transmission Jeep and quickly realized how little she actually knew thus placing her in stage 2 of the model called Conscious Incompetence (you know that you don’t know). She now knew what she did not know and struggled through learning the intricacies of driving, as well as suffering through my attempts to teach her to drive (not a recommended practice to have a parent teach a child to drive). Each step took significant focus and determination to move through complete ignorance to a place where the techniques started to become more comfortable. As she entered the stage of knowing how to drive stage 3 of Conscious Competence (you know that you know) arrived. Fortunately, stage 3 came in time for her driver’s exam and she passed and was granted the freedom-producing gift of a driver’s license. Many years have passed since Megan was granted her license and she, like most drivers on the road, entered stage 4 of the model – Unconscious Competence (you don’t know that you know – it just happens easily). This means the act of driving became a rote process or second nature.
I am sure that most of us can relate to this story and likely can recall examples of times we arrived at a destination and wondered how we got there or if we actually stopped at that stop sign we had stopped at so many times before while driving this route. When we are in stage 4 of the model we do most things almost unconsciously. I will also add that with sustained time in the Unconscious Competence arena most humans enter a place commonly called boredom. Therefore we look for the excitement of new things to do or learn. Consciously we hope to be back in Conscious Competence or even back to Conscious Incompetence in order to thwart off the boredom that has set in.
How is all of this connected to leadership? I have spent 30 years in the leadership development business. I continue to marvel at the number of people that enter the profession of leadership in a very Unconscious Incompetence state. We see the typically Unconsciously Competent technician make the move to management and struggle to apply the different tools necessary to be successful in their new role as a leader. They soon realize (Conscious Incompetence) that leading is very different than doing. And it takes bold action to develop the necessary skills to become a successful (Conscious Competence) leader. Few seem to reach the pinnacle of leadership (Unconscious Competence) where it seems to be an effortless exercise. These are the leaders that people tell the stories about when we ask them to share the stories of the leaders that have had a significant impact on their lives.
Staying in the Unconscious Competence state as a leader takes continuous analysis and development. The leaders that constantly look at their growth are the ones that never enter a state of boredom and look to find something new to generate enthusiasm in their lives. They are the leaders that see leadership as who they are and a lifelong pursuit constantly learning and honing their skills. These are the leaders I find joy in working with.
Which stage of the Four Stages of Learning are you sitting in as a leader?
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16. December 2011 by Bob.
I just finished up the last day of a two-day intensive leadership workshop facilitation. And it is also at the end of an eight-day road trip to the UK that involved two other one-day workshops. I tend to crash when it is over from being so fully engaged in the work and the participants in each workshop. So I get back to my hotel; a very nice, fairly high priced one, and plug in my computer (Ethernet connection only in the room). I find I am still working off of the 24 hours I had purchased the night before. How much time did I have left? Would I be cut off part way through answering the myriad of emails I, of course, had to absolutely respond to? Maybe I better Skype home right away to say hi to my wife or my daughter and granddaughter? I choose the Skype option first.
Understand that our client pays for my travel expenses, so I could just purchase another 24 hours of Internet time. The problem is the fact that it tends to be the most expensive hotels that always charge more for Internet service annoys me. I travel often and am amazed at how the more reasonably priced hotels offer you free Internet, and in some cases, even free breakfast! Why is it that the hotels that are already charging us a significantly higher rate always then hit you with an additional Internet service fee? In this case it was an additional 15 pounds per 24-hour period. And the added value I have of treating my client’s money as if it was my own also lingered in the back of my mind. So if I was disappointed about the prospect of 15 more British Pounds to get a few more hours of world connection, then I decided that I would not renew for the additional 24 hours. After all, I was exhausted and would likely be in bed within 3 hours and my flight left mid morning the next day. Surely, I could survive without connection to the world for that short period of time.
So thinking how the concept of paying such a high fee for a service like internet at a high priced hotel annoyed me so much, I jumped at the opportunity to scrape a few extra minutes off the back end of the previous 24 hour paid period. I called home, did some emails, connected with a couple of others that I cared about and saw were online and even took a quick peak at my local newspaper. And then I decided that my stomach was overriding my sense of annoyance and headed off for dinner.
I returned from dinner and sure enough, there was the message on my computer screen challenging me to buy another 24 hours of Internet service. I will admit that I took a good long look at that message before deciding no. I unplugged my computer from the Ethernet cord that bond me to the desk and hard chair and took my freedom to sit in the easy chair and kick back. I set my legs up on the coffee table in front of me and started typing this piece of literature you see in front of you right now. While typing I realized I would not be able to post it as soon as I finished because I was not connected! So you would not receive this until well after its completion. Maybe even up to 24 hours later! Can you imagine not instantly getting my thoughts out for the world to see the moment I braved committing them to type?
The real point I was considering was that as I taught the people in the workshop about authentic leadership and how to become a coach like leader, I noticed today how many of the people in the room would be moved to distraction whenever their mobile devise pinged or vibrated. Here they were trying to learn how to be more engaged with their people and they were so easily distracted by a tiny machine that signaled that it was so much more important than the human being in front of them. I wondered how they would ever become the great leaders that their people tell wonderful stories about when they can be so easily distracted from showing the person in front of them that they really matter.
The most reflective time I have had during this eight-day road trip has been the last couple of hours since my time ran out and I chose not to buy more Internet connection. Are you truly taking the necessary reflection time needed to most effectively lead? If you are not, I can assure you that you will not be one of the names I hear when we ask people in our workshops to share the stories of the great leaders that have impacted them in the past. In fact, I am willing to bet that you may be more like the leaders that qualify for the number one reason employees leave their organization. What has always topped the charts of the top reasons someone chooses to leave their organization is that the relationship with their boss sucks. Which one are you? The one that fits into the stories of great leader coaches or the one that fits into the basket of the primary reason people leave? The choice is yours.
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12. December 2011 by Bob.
I have the fortune of still having my parents here on this earth. Every additional year I get feels like a bonus. I had the opportunity to visit them again recently. They live in Florida and with me in western Canada there are few opportunities to visit. I had some workshops to deliver in Florida and spent the weekend with them. Interestingly, as I flew back home from that trip I caught an article in our local Calgary newspaper titled “Being A Jerk Could Be in Your Genes”.
Since my work as a coach keeps me busy working with leaders and executives I was drawn to the title and thought how interesting it is that we work with so many leaders that seem to have not been at the meeting when the kindness gene was being handed out! Did they really miss the meeting or did life train it out of them?
The article suggests that research shows that “people with a certain gene trait are known to be kinder than people without it, and strangers can quickly tell the difference”. Brain research has shown that the chemical messenger called oxytocin actually makes us kinder to one another, more empathetic and trust worthier. The research identified a gene sequence that showed those with this particular gene naturally “make more eye contact, tend to smile more, tend to have more head nods and so on” versus the people without this gene.
The research also raised the question of nature versus nurture. This gene trait “doesn’t necessarily determine how kind you are, stressing more research needs to be done on external factors like rearing and life experiences”. There are people without the kindness gene sequence that are extremely wonderful people and there are those with the gene that are not wonderful. The research suggests, “there is no one gene for empathy, sympathy, kindness or trust. There are many factors that ultimately influence whether we are kind, compassionate people”.
With this I see that I have my parents to thank. Besides the genetics of flat feet, weak ankles and a bigger than usual Italian nose, my parents graced me with the gene (the OXTR gene) that created a natural kindness in me. As well, I see that nature was not the only factor. They made sure I was raised with a kind eye toward others and life in general. I am sure this has guided me to the work we do and a purpose of impacting those I meet in this world to see others in a kind way. For this I am most grateful.
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17. October 2011 by Bob.
My father in law died this past week. Cel Toenies lived a great life of 87 years and will be missed by many. Thinking of Cel brought up many memories of a man that lived life fully in service of others.
I am fortunate to travel all over the world delivering workshops on leadership. In one workshop we do an exercise called the A/B exercise. We have participants write down five names of people that are close in relationship to them at work. We then ask them to rate that person as an A or a B. The A signifies that this person is regarded highly and they are deemed to be people we trust and care about. The B’s are generally considered to be lower performers and not our “go to” people. We then work through the differences in the way we treat the rated A’s or B’s. Our final thought related to this phenomenon is that however you rate someone, either as an A or a B, they know.
Everyone in the world is on either someone’s A or B list. And you likely know when you are on someone’s B list. Think about how it feels when you know. Very different than when we know we are on an A list.
How do you rate the people that are in your life? I hope to travel this world holding all people as an A. I know that for me it is a constant work in progress. Whenever I do this exercise I always hold up one prime example of someone that regards everyone in the world as an A. That person has always been Cel Toenies. No one I have ever met exemplifies the characteristic of treating all people with dignity and respect as a natural way of being better than Cel. For Celestine Toenies it was just a given way to treat all people. How are you treating the people in your life? As an A or as a B? Remember that they know.
Cel leaves this world in a better place than it was when he entered it and I am honored and humbled to have lived in his presence.
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13. August 2011 by Bob.
After a great weekend retreat with teammates from our partner company, Bluepoint Leadership Development, and a red eye overnight flight from Portland, Oregon to Newark, New Jersey, I find myself arriving early to the parking lot of the Madison YMCA.
The retreat in Portland renewed great present days friendships, built deeper ones that had been missed and created some new ones. It was a beautiful connection experience
Almost 30 years ago I was a YMCA professional and worked at the Madison Y. Today I will be having lunch with two teammates from that Y experience so many years ago. It has been years since I have seen these two, one being almost that total 30 years. What a treat lies ahead as old friendships are renewed after a generation of absence. It makes me energized and anxious at the same time. Much like the high school reunion I have coming up this Fall. Most of my high school classmates I have not seen for 40 years.
I am curious about both of these events. What will this reconnecting bring? I find that I live mostly in the present, then to the future, but the past is usually not a domain I spend time in. What curiosity drives me to reconnect with long ago relationships? I do think it is curiosity that drives me. What have these people been up to over all these years? How do they look? Old probably. Of course I look the same as I did 30 years ago! What will we talk about? Will it feel like old times and we pick up right where we left off? Will there be disappointment? I wonder if we will enjoy the get together and then that is it, never to reconnect again.
I believe I am more curious and interested in new relationships rather than the old ones. If that is true then the drive to reconnect today must have bigger meaning. I am not sure what that bigger meaning might be. Or maybe it is just another opportunity to enjoy the moment that is in front of me.
Are we hard wired to prefer life long relationships or to seek out new ones? Maybe it goes back to the age-old nature versus nurture debate. For those that spend their lives living in or close by their home town may be nurtured into liking and maintaining long term friendships. Or was it nature that always keeps pulling them to their roots? I have moved several times including to a different country and several thousand miles from my home territory that I now visit today. Did my nature drive me to adventure and new locales? Or maybe moving away created my spirit for always wanting new relationships. Whichever it may be, my curiosity is peaked and the questions may be more interesting than the answers. In any case, it is time to go on into the YMCA and live momentarily in both the present and the past.
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